We all want to be seen. And that’s what makes walking past someone all that much more hurtful. Walking past without even a single glance (let alone a second one) says, “I don’t see you.” It says, “You don’t matter.”

Do you need to wade through the past and make some order, but you have a hard time staying focused? Writing is the best solution I’ve found. 

If I’m honest, there are moments when life feels hopeless. You may understand that feeling as well. But looking at my life as a story is the best way I know to turn that feeling around and set things on a better track.

If we look at the past, we can also see that there were unexpected times that shaped us - experiences that made us who we are today even though they were NOT pleasant to go through when we were in them.

It used to be almost painful to read some of my past entries. For example, in my twenties, I would read stuff that I did in jr. high and high school and cringe out of embarrassment, almost like it was happening to me all over again.

What do you remember about yourself as a child? Were you constantly trying to be the center of attention or maybe more content to hide in the back of the room? What kinds of things did you like doing the best?

Myths are powerful because they provide potential answers to timeless questions (PBS). Questions like, what is vengeance? What responsibility do I have toward other people?

This isn’t easy for me! I’m usually dreaming, scheming, and working towards the future. I look for challenges to meet and mountains to climb! If I look to the past, it’s usually for hints about how to navigate the future or for memories to connect better with people in my life.

“I just want to talk to her. We broke up a couple months ago, and everyday, I just have the urge to reach out. She wasn’t just my girlfriend, she was my best friend. Shouldn’t I just reach out? If it’s been this bad, it’s not ever going to get better.”

Fast forward several years. I didn’t want her around, but she kept appearing. Online, in memory, in person, in random connection with people I knew. It felt like our lives were linked, and it annoyed me. She bothered me, like an ant crawling up my leg.

If you’re anything like me, if you plan to spend time journeying into the past, you better pack an ample supply of forgiveness. We will face pain as we travel through memories. We’ve all been wronged. We’ve all been hurt, and it affects us, often deeply, and often over a long period of time.

Ah, there it was. That made sense. I was wanted, but the timing was difficult. That added up. Scientific studies confirm that babies pick up on emotions their mothers are feeling, even before they are born.

Sometimes, as we get older, we may feel the need to shrug off traditions as silly and maybe even stifling. They may seem like something that we do “just because” and we have no connection as to why our family may do it in the first place.

Have you ever come across an inconsequential event, but yet it evokes a strong emotion in you like anger, irritation, or sadness? That particular event isn’t necessarily sad or irritating, but for some reason, that’s what it caused you to feel?

“I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes, it’s like I’m back in that house. I can’t go back.”

“I can’t breathe. I just had a flashback. He was there, I saw him.”

“The holidays are hard. It just brings me back to those same feelings and hurt I went through 10 years ago.”

One of the greatest tools for battling anxiety and depression that can be brought on by quarantine turns out to be curiosity and engaging in what the researchers referred to as “flow.” These are activities that are completely absorbing such as running, painting, writing, or gardening.

And you know what? That’s okay. It’s no fault to have simply not lived long enough. I wish we talked about this more. I wish we acknowledged that there is no 5-step manual that can ever match or make up for actual living.

She listened, and she helped. I want to share some of the tools she gave me to help with my anxiety in hopes that someone else may benefit from some of the techniques she suggested.

Have you ever found yourself daydreaming not about something that might happen in the future but about something that already did in the past?

All of those above characteristics can be used to describe me. Some of them are good, some of them not so much. As I grew up, I had several friends and family friends tell me who they thought I was.