If we look at the past, we can also see that there were unexpected times that shaped us - experiences that made us who we are today even though they were NOT pleasant to go through when we were in them.

It used to be almost painful to read some of my past entries. For example, in my twenties, I would read stuff that I did in jr. high and high school and cringe out of embarrassment, almost like it was happening to me all over again.

What do you remember about yourself as a child? Were you constantly trying to be the center of attention or maybe more content to hide in the back of the room? What kinds of things did you like doing the best?

Myths are powerful because they provide potential answers to timeless questions (PBS). Questions like, what is vengeance? What responsibility do I have toward other people?

This isn’t easy for me! I’m usually dreaming, scheming, and working towards the future. I look for challenges to meet and mountains to climb! If I look to the past, it’s usually for hints about how to navigate the future or for memories to connect better with people in my life.

“I just want to talk to her. We broke up a couple months ago, and everyday, I just have the urge to reach out. She wasn’t just my girlfriend, she was my best friend. Shouldn’t I just reach out? If it’s been this bad, it’s not ever going to get better.”

Fast forward several years. I didn’t want her around, but she kept appearing. Online, in memory, in person, in random connection with people I knew. It felt like our lives were linked, and it annoyed me. She bothered me, like an ant crawling up my leg.

If you’re anything like me, if you plan to spend time journeying into the past, you better pack an ample supply of forgiveness. We will face pain as we travel through memories. We’ve all been wronged. We’ve all been hurt, and it affects us, often deeply, and often over a long period of time.

Ah, there it was. That made sense. I was wanted, but the timing was difficult. That added up. Scientific studies confirm that babies pick up on emotions their mothers are feeling, even before they are born.

Sometimes, as we get older, we may feel the need to shrug off traditions as silly and maybe even stifling. They may seem like something that we do “just because” and we have no connection as to why our family may do it in the first place.

Have you ever come across an inconsequential event, but yet it evokes a strong emotion in you like anger, irritation, or sadness? That particular event isn’t necessarily sad or irritating, but for some reason, that’s what it caused you to feel?

And you know what? That’s okay. It’s no fault to have simply not lived long enough. I wish we talked about this more. I wish we acknowledged that there is no 5-step manual that can ever match or make up for actual living.

One that I can remember happened when I was five years old. It was Halloween, one of my favorite holidays growing up. This particular year however, would be a little different. Because Halloween fell on a Saturday, and my brother's birthday was just three days before, my parents decided to celebrate Halloween and a birthday all in one day. Unfortunately, they didn’t plan on me getting sick.

We all have fears we would rather not name and face. Part of being human includes learning that the only way to prevent our fears from controlling/shaping us is to face them. To sit with them. Many times facing our fears means realizing there may actually be a small piece of truth in it but with part of the picture that we haven’t seen before. 

Two months ago I wrote a letter. I wrote it exactly as I would have from my deathbed... except that I wasn't on my deathbed and that was the entire point. Movies really love to dramatize those end-of-life-bucket-list-final-hurrah moments but the truth is that if I really was on my deathbed I'd probably be so exhausted and busy with the work of ACTUALLY dying that writing such a letter would be ten times harder, if not impossible. So, better to do it now.

I once had someone compare the past to a car’s rearview mirror. They said, “You can’t drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror the entire time. The rearview mirror is important. You need to check what’s behind you, but you can only drive safely forward by looking through the windshield.”

“Run. Run away and never return.” -Scar, The Lion King

As a child, my siblings and I loved watching The Lion King. Yes, we had a crush on Simba. It’s entirely possible to have a crush on an animated lion at that age. But I remember watching the scene where Scar tells his nephew cub to run away and always being confused by it. 

Do you ever have recurring dreams? You wake up in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning and remember distinctly what happened in the dream and then you say, oh I have had this dream before, multiple times actually. This happens to me all the time. One dream in particular that I have been having recently is getting locked out of my locker from high school. Now I should tell you that I have already been out of high school for over 10 years, so why does this dream keep coming up and why am I gripped with such terror when I am in the middle of this dream?

Inwardly, I cringed every time someone introduced me as the “shy” girl. I hated that label so much, but didn’t know how I could overcome it. I couldn’t think quickly enough for a good comeback or randomly pull up extroverted skills that I didn’t have, so I felt like I had to cave to the pressure of what many thought of me. I went along with the part I felt like everyone expected me to play, except for when I was with my close friends or family. Only those who knew me well saw me for what I felt was a much better representation of who I really was. With them I was goofy, friendly, talkative, and always trying to think deeply about life.

The past is the past! But how much we let the past affect us is the question! Every incident in our lives leaves a mark on us—emotionally, physically, mentally. How deep the mark depends on the problem. Job loss. Family loss. Financial loss. Loss of health. Notice that I said “loss” in each of these cases.  Whatever the cause, the result can be the same—grief or even depression. Grief is sadness; however, depression is much heavier.