You know what, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the way you feel about nachos is not exactly the same way that you feel about your Mother. And you probably don’t feel the same way toward your favorite shoes as you do your boyfriend or girlfriend. So why on earth do we use one word to describe all these different feelings!? Good question. Welcome to one of the most frustrating things about the English language.

Some of us were raised to unleash a flurry of angry words no matter the consequences, so long as you apologize later. Others were raised to bottle the anger up. Don't say anything if you can't say anything nice. All the while, never really knowing that one day the bottle would burst. It's not wrong to be angry. But it is wrong to mistreat others in our anger. 

Having a relaxed stance, arms down or in an open position and a smile on your face, sends the message that you are inviting others to join you in a friendly conversation. Maintaining eye contact while talking lets the speaker know you are attentive to what they are sharing. Living in a pandemic, we all know that masks make it harder to feel a sense of vulnerability with others; but masked or not, being intentional about eye contact can help remove some of those barriers that make it harder to be authentic with others.

If you feel that you already have a close friend or two, that you have your community of people to support you, then try to be that for someone new. Not everyone is brave enough to take that first step. On the other side of that, we can’t wait for someone to make the first move either. The years and years that the people at this conference, and myself, felt so alone were because we kept waiting for someone else to extend the invitation. 

“It is not the critic who counts,” he said, “not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs… if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I didn’t know I had a conflict style until after I got married. I came from a family where there was lots of yelling and tense undertones whenever there was an issue that needed to be tackled. It made me extremely uncomfortable as a child in this environment, as I was also highly sensitive and not well practiced in different techniques of how to handle overwhelming emotion

How high? Well, according to one recent study, a lack of social connection carries health risks similar to what you see when you smoke 15 cigarettes a day. The same study found that isolation is likely twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity (Cost, 2021).

So here’s a question: how do you know that you can trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them? The way relationships work is this: in order to be vulnerable, we do need to experience some level of trust with that person, but in order to create trust, we often need to share some level of vulnerability.

There is nothing wrong with being productive, but it is good to refocus your daily life on what will truly be worthwhile when you reflect on how your time was spent. The days that will stand out will be the ones where you invested in others. Most of us would rather see photos of ourselves with our family or friends reminding us of treasured memories instead of a framed to-do list all neatly checked off. Of course there will always be more work to be done, but it is good to leave room for what really matters most.

Gary Chapman published his book, The Five Love Languages, in the 90s, and a few years after that, the concept became very popular. You can ask just about anyone what their love language is, and they will have an answer for you, whether that be in romantic relationships, friendships, family circles, etc. So, let’s refresh on these!

Let’s talk about fighting. If you are not married, don’t tune out. If you are, don’t tune out either! My siblings and I all went to different pre-marriage counselors but were given the same advice about how to listen and work out arguments with our future spouse. It’s really advice for anyone who interacts with other humans. 

Almost all of us have that someone. The one that got away. Perhaps it was a crush or a girlfriend/boyfriend who broke up with you. A marriage that ended when you’d tried to make it work. The heartache is unbearable. The pain and grief feel like they will never end. And perhaps, they don’t. To be clear, I’m not talking about the death of a person, but the end of a relationship. 

But I quickly found that when someone else could beat me, receive higher praise, or outshine me, I was indeed competitive. In all the wrong ways. Instead of seeing someone with a similar drive as healthy competition, I saw them as an enemy. That’s exactly what happened the day I met Kendra. Ooo, I didn’t like her. I was never musical or athletic, so I prided myself on being organized and efficient. I could run an event more smoothly than anyone. I could plan a meeting so efficiently you wouldn’t want it to be an email. 

Listening to people makes them feel special. It makes them feel heard. It’s sad, really, that such a simple thing as having someone pay attention to us while we speak can make us feel better. But that’s the truth of it. How often do you find yourself talking and see a person’s eyes glaze over or wander past you? How often are you listening to a teacher, lecture, sermon, and find yourself miles away thinking about a completely unrelated topic? 

So as an introvert, how do you make and maintain friendships? Try to make friends with people you already know at least a little bit. Is there someone in your classes you’ve talked to a couple times or someone at work that you’ve joked with? This next part sounds crazy, but try to make the first move (Granneman, 2020). I’ve had several close friends who on reflection, we realized we were both unsure about each other until one of us just made a move. Take the initiative! Ask questions and be a little vulnerable. Try to get to know the other person and truly listen to what they’re saying. Then, give them little pieces of you - what makes you tick and your peeves. Everyone enjoys really trying to understand someone else. Take the friendship slowly, and you’ll notice the awkwardness goes away with time, and you’ve got a new friend (Granneman, 2020).