But I quickly found that when someone else could beat me, receive higher praise, or outshine me, I was indeed competitive. In all the wrong ways. Instead of seeing someone with a similar drive as healthy competition, I saw them as an enemy. That’s exactly what happened the day I met Kendra. Ooo, I didn’t like her. I was never musical or athletic, so I prided myself on being organized and efficient. I could run an event more smoothly than anyone. I could plan a meeting so efficiently you wouldn’t want it to be an email. 

Breakups are just about inevitable. Romantic relationships are difficult to navigate at any point in life, and unfortunately, many of them don’t end well. Some of the most painful times in my life centered around losing that person closest to me, even if it was for the best. There are several stages you go through - denial, anger, sadness, maybe the crazies, regret, etc. Eventually, life starts to look up again - not everything you see reminds you of them, forgiveness happens, and you learn from the relationship. These relationships are often such an important part of your past. They’re going to affect you in the long-term. 

Listening to people makes them feel special. It makes them feel heard. It’s sad, really, that such a simple thing as having someone pay attention to us while we speak can make us feel better. But that’s the truth of it. How often do you find yourself talking and see a person’s eyes glaze over or wander past you? How often are you listening to a teacher, lecture, sermon, and find yourself miles away thinking about a completely unrelated topic? 

So as an introvert, how do you make and maintain friendships? Try to make friends with people you already know at least a little bit. Is there someone in your classes you’ve talked to a couple times or someone at work that you’ve joked with? This next part sounds crazy, but try to make the first move (Granneman, 2020). I’ve had several close friends who on reflection, we realized we were both unsure about each other until one of us just made a move. Take the initiative! Ask questions and be a little vulnerable. Try to get to know the other person and truly listen to what they’re saying. Then, give them little pieces of you - what makes you tick and your peeves. Everyone enjoys really trying to understand someone else. Take the friendship slowly, and you’ll notice the awkwardness goes away with time, and you’ve got a new friend (Granneman, 2020). 

What makes these relationships so important? When you’ve had a relationship with someone since birth, there is a level of authenticity that is formed. You have shared experiences, memories, etc. from your childhood.

Inwardly, I cringed every time someone introduced me as the “shy” girl. I hated that label so much, but didn’t know how I could overcome it. I couldn’t think quickly enough for a good comeback or randomly pull up extroverted skills that I didn’t have, so I felt like I had to cave to the pressure of what many thought of me. I went along with the part I felt like everyone expected me to play, except for when I was with my close friends or family. Only those who knew me well saw me for what I felt was a much better representation of who I really was. With them I was goofy, friendly, talkative, and always trying to think deeply about life.

“There are only so many seats on the train with you Lauren,” my friend says to me as I sip my drink across from him. “And either we’re intentional about who we give those seats to or… we’re not.” He takes a few swallows of his own beverage while I contemplate what’s just been said. He’s right. I know that. I can feel it in my bones. What he’s referring to is meaningful, close relationships. That inner circle of friends and/or family who are your tribe, your safe place, your people.

Or at least, they should be. But the fact is that when he tells me this, I know that there are definitely people on MY train who are less interested in what’s best for me and more interested in being where they want to be. It takes time, but eventually, I also realize that there are people standing on this metaphorical train station platform who I want to have on the train with me. I want them to know about what matters, to see them more regularly, to have them in my corner if they’re willing. But there isn’t any more space on the train… unless I make some. So I quietly pull back from a few relationships. I have a couple hard conversations where I’m up front about the shift. Not everybody is happy about it. But you know what’s even crazier? In the midst of making these changes, I realized something. 

One difficult to identify form of verbal abuse is when someone makes public jokes about you at your expense. The feelings you could experience as a result of this are shame, humiliation, anger, and confusion. Humor is an effective mask should anyone choose to confront the inconsiderate behavior. They can always respond with, “I’m just kidding. Don’t take it so seriously.” Don’t let such a response fool you. Anyone who responds like this simply doesn’t want to be held accountable for the hurt that their words caused. A person who truly cares about you and knows how to love in a healthy way will always listen when you need to talk about something they said or did that hurt you. They’ll believe you. They don’t want to hurt you. A person engaged in verbal abuse on the other hand will often attempt to convince you that you’re wrong and that what they said wasn’t actually that bad (Gordon, 2022).

Because verbal abuse doesn’t leave any visible wounds or bruises, it can be easy to overlook or convince ourselves that it isn’t so bad. But it is. Some of the long term effects of verbal abuse include chronic stress, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, PTSD, social isolation, and substance use (Gordon, 2022). If you think you might be experiencing verbal abuse from someone in your life, please reach out and talk about it. No one deserves to be verbally abused. Ever.

Have you ever wondered why it is sometimes difficult to feel closely connected to certain people? While there could be a variety of factors that impact this, one characteristic that comes to mind is their willingness to be open or to share details of their life with you, as well as you doing the same. 

For example, maybe you have a co-worker, friend, or even a relative that comes to mind. When you ask how they are doing, their response is always “fine.” Perhaps even their social media account is filled with the highlights of their life, and from the outside, everything really does look fine so you believe them and move on with your day. However, as most of us know, the pictures never tell the full story, and so much more might be hiding below the surface.

I enjoy Disney’s movie, Encanto, for a number of reasons, but mostly because of how relatable the main characters are and how much we can learn from them. Spoiler alert, if you haven’t seen the movie yet and want to, you may want to watch it first before reading the rest of this.

Let’s start with Mirabel, the perky, sweet, teenager we are introduced to in the beginning of the movie. Apparently, she is the only one in her family not to have received a magical gift and so she is dealing with feeling average or left out but is trying to be positive about it. I wonder how many times this story has played out in our own lives? I know for me, while there are things that I am good at, I don’t have a special gift that sets me apart. Feelings of inadequacy have followed me all throughout my life. The question of “What do I have to offer?”, is one that most people struggle with at some time in their lives. 

Therapists generally agree that to hold space for someone means to be completely present for someone, putting your focus on them to support them while they feel their emotions. There is no emphasis on problem solving or “fixing” in holding space. It is more about “being with” than anything else. If you’ve ever experienced good therapy, then you’ll know the value that can be found in having a safe space where you feel comfortable communicating whatever it is that you need, think, or feel. That space is created and “held” by someone, usually the therapist. But this is also an important skill for friends, parents, caretakers, medical professionals, and many others to learn.

It’s tempting to fall prey to the idea that it’s good to surround yourselves only with people who look like you, agree with your beliefs or your religion, or are in the same financial bracket as you, etc. That can feel good at first because it’s so easy. We like to see ourselves reflected in others, to have what we already think affirmed or find that we share interests or opinions with someone else. These are all natural ways of bonding. The trouble starts when we begin to exclude anyone who falls outside those cozy formulas.

Have you ever been in the middle of your own crisis when someone tried to lean on you for support or looked to you for their own guidance and emotional balance? If you’ve experienced this, then you know what the usual response is: a wide eyed, blank stare that essentially says: What?!? I can’t help you right now! I’m barely capable of helping myself! This is a far more common situation than you might imagine. For many, hardship and trials lead them to lean on anyone who happens to be close enough to grab, even if that person is up to their neck in their own problems. When this happens within families, it can lead to really explosive interactions!

Before you write me off as crazy, let me explain. I’ve believed in taking myself on dates since I was a child, but back then, I didn’t know that was what I was doing.

It’s clear that dating apps are here to stay, and there are some unanticipated upsides to looking for love online. Of course, there’s always more to the story.

I like a clean house. A house where surfaces are cleared off, items aren't "stored" on the floor, and things tend to lean toward the minimal versus cluttered. My kids do not share this desire. The table is the best place to put all the things.

Confession: I didn’t learn how to truly say “No” until I was well into adulthood. Oh I said no to the big things or easy things. When I was sick enough that I was actually feverish or throwing up for example.

One of the things we absolutely need to consider when dating is what we are NOT looking for. I call these the non-negotiables. These are the things that, if they become present in a relationship, are a major red flag.

What if I told you that you could create the ultimate partner of your dreams? And what if everything you wrote down that that person did, came true? What if you could control them?

This scenario also plays out in our relationships. When we aren't purposely moving towards another, we tend to drift apart even if this is not our intention.