Over time, those relationships became strained and eventually toxic. I never learned to have grace and never allowed others to redeem the relationship. As I grew older, I had a hard time working with others and forming friendships. Because I never truly understood how to properly resolve conflict. 

There’s a strange and rarely spoken of dynamic in our culture that often questions the validity of mixed gender relationships. As one journalist put it, it’s as if, “they cast us as romantic time bombs, rather than people who simply care about each other and enjoy spending time together” (Gerson, 2020).

I wish this weren’t the case, but until you’re an adult, there are things you may not have a say in that will always drain you. That was the case for me as a teenager with my parents visitation schedule after their divorce. Packing and switching homes every week was exhausting in a way that went bone deep.

There is a little secret to it. And it’s all how you see the other person. What if you saw the other person as someone who needed just as much grace and love as you do? Because, like I said, if you’re breathing, then you have been wronged—meaning you have wronged another person.

So I got back at them. I made new friends. I found a new tribe, a new community. But these were not good people. Okay, so I really wasn't consciously trying to get back at my parents, but I did get myself mixed up in the wrong crowd. It was almost an overnight transformation. I became someone entirely different. 

What do I mean? Let me show you. Let’s say that one of your siblings has taken something of yours without asking. You’ve already talked with them in the past and told them they have to come to you first if they want to borrow something, but here they are wearing one of your favorite shirts again.

You know what, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the way you feel about nachos is not exactly the same way that you feel about your Mother. And you probably don’t feel the same way toward your favorite shoes as you do your boyfriend or girlfriend. So why on earth do we use one word to describe all these different feelings!? Good question. Welcome to one of the most frustrating things about the English language.

The relationship we have with our parents has a significant outcome on who we are someday, how we behave, and who we gravitate towards. I want to normalize this for a moment, though, and say that we ALL have daddy issues.

In some ways, the divorce of a stepfamily is more complicated than the divorce of a biological family. There are legal requirements and visitation schedules that keep biological family members linked even after a divorce. That is not the case when it comes to stepfamily members. 

If you feel that you already have a close friend or two, that you have your community of people to support you, then try to be that for someone new. Not everyone is brave enough to take that first step. On the other side of that, we can’t wait for someone to make the first move either. The years and years that the people at this conference, and myself, felt so alone were because we kept waiting for someone else to extend the invitation. 

I didn’t know I had a conflict style until after I got married. I came from a family where there was lots of yelling and tense undertones whenever there was an issue that needed to be tackled. It made me extremely uncomfortable as a child in this environment, as I was also highly sensitive and not well practiced in different techniques of how to handle overwhelming emotion

So here’s a question: how do you know that you can trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them? The way relationships work is this: in order to be vulnerable, we do need to experience some level of trust with that person, but in order to create trust, we often need to share some level of vulnerability.

Two months ago I wrote a letter. I wrote it exactly as I would have from my deathbed... except that I wasn't on my deathbed and that was the entire point. Movies really love to dramatize those end-of-life-bucket-list-final-hurrah moments but the truth is that if I really was on my deathbed I'd probably be so exhausted and busy with the work of ACTUALLY dying that writing such a letter would be ten times harder, if not impossible. So, better to do it now.

There is nothing wrong with being productive, but it is good to refocus your daily life on what will truly be worthwhile when you reflect on how your time was spent. The days that will stand out will be the ones where you invested in others. Most of us would rather see photos of ourselves with our family or friends reminding us of treasured memories instead of a framed to-do list all neatly checked off. Of course there will always be more work to be done, but it is good to leave room for what really matters most.

Gary Chapman published his book, The Five Love Languages, in the 90s, and a few years after that, the concept became very popular. You can ask just about anyone what their love language is, and they will have an answer for you, whether that be in romantic relationships, friendships, family circles, etc. So, let’s refresh on these!

Let’s talk about fighting. If you are not married, don’t tune out. If you are, don’t tune out either! My siblings and I all went to different pre-marriage counselors but were given the same advice about how to listen and work out arguments with our future spouse. It’s really advice for anyone who interacts with other humans. 

Almost all of us have that someone. The one that got away. Perhaps it was a crush or a girlfriend/boyfriend who broke up with you. A marriage that ended when you’d tried to make it work. The heartache is unbearable. The pain and grief feel like they will never end. And perhaps, they don’t. To be clear, I’m not talking about the death of a person, but the end of a relationship. 

I don’t think we realized how damaging isolation could be until COVID-19, and we all dealt with it to some degree. Isolation is something that sneaks up on you. For introverts, the idea of staying home and not having a bunch of social obligations may seem like a dream come true. For extroverts, it’s a nightmare. Either way, we have all felt the negative effects at some point.

But I quickly found that when someone else could beat me, receive higher praise, or outshine me, I was indeed competitive. In all the wrong ways. Instead of seeing someone with a similar drive as healthy competition, I saw them as an enemy. That’s exactly what happened the day I met Kendra. Ooo, I didn’t like her. I was never musical or athletic, so I prided myself on being organized and efficient. I could run an event more smoothly than anyone. I could plan a meeting so efficiently you wouldn’t want it to be an email. 

Breakups are just about inevitable. Romantic relationships are difficult to navigate at any point in life, and unfortunately, many of them don’t end well. Some of the most painful times in my life centered around losing that person closest to me, even if it was for the best. There are several stages you go through - denial, anger, sadness, maybe the crazies, regret, etc. Eventually, life starts to look up again - not everything you see reminds you of them, forgiveness happens, and you learn from the relationship. These relationships are often such an important part of your past. They’re going to affect you in the long-term.