What do I mean? Let me show you. Let’s say that one of your siblings has taken something of yours without asking. You’ve already talked with them in the past and told them they have to come to you first if they want to borrow something, but here they are wearing one of your favorite shirts again.

You know what, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the way you feel about nachos is not exactly the same way that you feel about your Mother. And you probably don’t feel the same way toward your favorite shoes as you do your boyfriend or girlfriend. So why on earth do we use one word to describe all these different feelings!? Good question. Welcome to one of the most frustrating things about the English language.

The relationship we have with our parents has a significant outcome on who we are someday, how we behave, and who we gravitate towards. I want to normalize this for a moment, though, and say that we ALL have daddy issues.

In some ways, the divorce of a stepfamily is more complicated than the divorce of a biological family. There are legal requirements and visitation schedules that keep biological family members linked even after a divorce. That is not the case when it comes to stepfamily members. 

If you feel that you already have a close friend or two, that you have your community of people to support you, then try to be that for someone new. Not everyone is brave enough to take that first step. On the other side of that, we can’t wait for someone to make the first move either. The years and years that the people at this conference, and myself, felt so alone were because we kept waiting for someone else to extend the invitation. 

I didn’t know I had a conflict style until after I got married. I came from a family where there was lots of yelling and tense undertones whenever there was an issue that needed to be tackled. It made me extremely uncomfortable as a child in this environment, as I was also highly sensitive and not well practiced in different techniques of how to handle overwhelming emotion

So here’s a question: how do you know that you can trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them? The way relationships work is this: in order to be vulnerable, we do need to experience some level of trust with that person, but in order to create trust, we often need to share some level of vulnerability.

Two months ago I wrote a letter. I wrote it exactly as I would have from my deathbed... except that I wasn't on my deathbed and that was the entire point. Movies really love to dramatize those end-of-life-bucket-list-final-hurrah moments but the truth is that if I really was on my deathbed I'd probably be so exhausted and busy with the work of ACTUALLY dying that writing such a letter would be ten times harder, if not impossible. So, better to do it now.

There is nothing wrong with being productive, but it is good to refocus your daily life on what will truly be worthwhile when you reflect on how your time was spent. The days that will stand out will be the ones where you invested in others. Most of us would rather see photos of ourselves with our family or friends reminding us of treasured memories instead of a framed to-do list all neatly checked off. Of course there will always be more work to be done, but it is good to leave room for what really matters most.

Gary Chapman published his book, The Five Love Languages, in the 90s, and a few years after that, the concept became very popular. You can ask just about anyone what their love language is, and they will have an answer for you, whether that be in romantic relationships, friendships, family circles, etc. So, let’s refresh on these!

Let’s talk about fighting. If you are not married, don’t tune out. If you are, don’t tune out either! My siblings and I all went to different pre-marriage counselors but were given the same advice about how to listen and work out arguments with our future spouse. It’s really advice for anyone who interacts with other humans. 

Almost all of us have that someone. The one that got away. Perhaps it was a crush or a girlfriend/boyfriend who broke up with you. A marriage that ended when you’d tried to make it work. The heartache is unbearable. The pain and grief feel like they will never end. And perhaps, they don’t. To be clear, I’m not talking about the death of a person, but the end of a relationship. 

I don’t think we realized how damaging isolation could be until COVID-19, and we all dealt with it to some degree. Isolation is something that sneaks up on you. For introverts, the idea of staying home and not having a bunch of social obligations may seem like a dream come true. For extroverts, it’s a nightmare. Either way, we have all felt the negative effects at some point.

But I quickly found that when someone else could beat me, receive higher praise, or outshine me, I was indeed competitive. In all the wrong ways. Instead of seeing someone with a similar drive as healthy competition, I saw them as an enemy. That’s exactly what happened the day I met Kendra. Ooo, I didn’t like her. I was never musical or athletic, so I prided myself on being organized and efficient. I could run an event more smoothly than anyone. I could plan a meeting so efficiently you wouldn’t want it to be an email. 

Breakups are just about inevitable. Romantic relationships are difficult to navigate at any point in life, and unfortunately, many of them don’t end well. Some of the most painful times in my life centered around losing that person closest to me, even if it was for the best. There are several stages you go through - denial, anger, sadness, maybe the crazies, regret, etc. Eventually, life starts to look up again - not everything you see reminds you of them, forgiveness happens, and you learn from the relationship. These relationships are often such an important part of your past. They’re going to affect you in the long-term. 

Listening to people makes them feel special. It makes them feel heard. It’s sad, really, that such a simple thing as having someone pay attention to us while we speak can make us feel better. But that’s the truth of it. How often do you find yourself talking and see a person’s eyes glaze over or wander past you? How often are you listening to a teacher, lecture, sermon, and find yourself miles away thinking about a completely unrelated topic? 

So as an introvert, how do you make and maintain friendships? Try to make friends with people you already know at least a little bit. Is there someone in your classes you’ve talked to a couple times or someone at work that you’ve joked with? This next part sounds crazy, but try to make the first move (Granneman, 2020). I’ve had several close friends who on reflection, we realized we were both unsure about each other until one of us just made a move. Take the initiative! Ask questions and be a little vulnerable. Try to get to know the other person and truly listen to what they’re saying. Then, give them little pieces of you - what makes you tick and your peeves. Everyone enjoys really trying to understand someone else. Take the friendship slowly, and you’ll notice the awkwardness goes away with time, and you’ve got a new friend (Granneman, 2020). 

There are several ways to encourage a healthy relationship with your brothers and/or sisters. One step would be not to compare yourselves to your siblings. This can be easier said than done in some families. However, each person is different - you have different goals, talents, and personalities. Be yourself and appreciate what your sibling is striving for (Goldfarb, 2018). Also, work on your communication skills. If you’re disagreeing on something, how can you work towards a compromise or a win-win solution? Disagreements don’t always have to end terribly. For example, if my brother and I are arguing about who gets the car that evening - could one of us drop the other off where they’re trying to go? Are my plans flexible and I could go another night? These arguments seem small, but if you’re fighting all the time about “silly” stuff, it will eventually cause a strained relationship (Lohmann, 2014). Also with communicating, tell your sibling that you appreciate them! Speak lovingly. We tend to think that our family knows we love them and think highly of them; however, everyone needs to hear they are cared for and someone is rooting for them. Verbalize that appreciation you have for them (Goldfarb, 2018). Finally, as you get older, try to find ways to spend time with your siblings. It can seem hard in those teen years and beyond, but if you can work on intentionally hanging out with each other, it will strengthen the relationship (Lohmann, 2014).

Inwardly, I cringed every time someone introduced me as the “shy” girl. I hated that label so much, but didn’t know how I could overcome it. I couldn’t think quickly enough for a good comeback or randomly pull up extroverted skills that I didn’t have, so I felt like I had to cave to the pressure of what many thought of me. I went along with the part I felt like everyone expected me to play, except for when I was with my close friends or family. Only those who knew me well saw me for what I felt was a much better representation of who I really was. With them I was goofy, friendly, talkative, and always trying to think deeply about life.

“There are only so many seats on the train with you Lauren,” my friend says to me as I sip my drink across from him. “And either we’re intentional about who we give those seats to or… we’re not.” He takes a few swallows of his own beverage while I contemplate what’s just been said. He’s right. I know that. I can feel it in my bones. What he’s referring to is meaningful, close relationships. That inner circle of friends and/or family who are your tribe, your safe place, your people.

Or at least, they should be. But the fact is that when he tells me this, I know that there are definitely people on MY train who are less interested in what’s best for me and more interested in being where they want to be. It takes time, but eventually, I also realize that there are people standing on this metaphorical train station platform who I want to have on the train with me. I want them to know about what matters, to see them more regularly, to have them in my corner if they’re willing. But there isn’t any more space on the train… unless I make some. So I quietly pull back from a few relationships. I have a couple hard conversations where I’m up front about the shift. Not everybody is happy about it. But you know what’s even crazier? In the midst of making these changes, I realized something.