Estrangement
Estrangement wasn’t what I ever wanted. I certainly never imagined that I would go years without speaking to my own mother. Without her speaking to or seeing her grandchildren. And yet, here we were. Two years had passed with almost no communication between us at all. The fact that she lived on the other side of the country made that a bit easier to manage, but the reality was still painful. We sent each other cards at Christmas. I might get a short text around my birthday. That was it.
Why?
Because a therapist had recognized the symptoms of a personality disorder in her behavior. Because I’d told her that if she wanted to continue a relationship with me, then she needed to give me the same basic human respect that she expected to receive, and she needed to agree to see a therapist with me to work on our relationship.
She said no.
And just like that, my mother and I were estranged.
Estrangement is a growing relational state present in families. Estrangement is the loss of a relationship with someone in your family through physical or emotional distancing. Recent studies indicate that around 27% of American adults are currently dealing with estrangement, which means that about 70 million people are currently estranged from someone they are related to (Scharp, 2021). We have far more understanding today when it comes to boundaries and what an emotionally healthy relationship should look like. Perhaps that’s why we’re seeing the rise in estrangement among families. More and more of us are drawing a line in the sand, even with our own parents, children, siblings, and grandparents. We’re saying, “I love you but you can’t treat me like this. That’s enough.” And that’s okay, as painful as estrangement is.
I’ll never forget when I saw this graphic on Pinterest. It was toward the end of my attempts to find a healthy path with my mother. For years, I’d been beating my head against a wall, trying one thing after the next, after the next, always convinced that the problem was that I hadn’t said the right thing, done the right thing, found the right therapist. And then…I read this.
“I never missed one red flag. I saw each one fall and chose to look the other way. I loved you more than anything, including myself. And therein lies the lesson. I learned it so hard.”
That was when I realized what I needed to do because the truth is we can’t control other people, and there should be limits to how we let anybody treat us. Even our own mothers. If you or someone in your family is currently coping with estrangement, please know that you are not alone. It’s important to have trusted adults, mentors, or therapists to speak to about things this intense that have such a huge impact on families.
Reference: Scharp, K. (2021). What is family estrangement? A relationship expert describes the problem and research agenda. The Conversation. Retrieved from https://theconversation.com/what-is-family-estrangement-a-relationship-expert-describes-the-problem-and-research-agenda-164852.
Challenges/Points:
Estrangement is intentional relational distance.
Any family member can experience estrangement from another member. It’s not specific to adults and children.
Many young adults and adults are leaning more into “chosen family,” which is a way to refer to friends you consider as close as family when your own is too unhealthy to be in a close relationship with you.
Questions:
Have you or anyone else in your immediate family ever experienced estrangement?
If you have (or you’ve observed it), what has that felt like?
Are you experiencing rage or depression as a result of estrangement?
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